Boarding school is perhaps the best preparation one can have for conferences abroad. We are forcibly packed off by our employers to go forth and represent the corporate family and to learn something useful.
In reality, IT consultants just want to have fun and drink themselves into a state where a three-hour lecture on some cutting-edge network protocol becomes almost appealing. The most challenging decision concerns how much alcohol can be put down to expenses without leading to an awkward conversation with the boss.
Alas, there is a new genre of conference evolving in middle Europe, where the venues are miles from civilisation in purpose-built alpine complexes, and where alcohol is so severely restricted that one has to bribe staff to smuggle it in. Somebody important appears to have noticed that catatonic delegates make the whole event a waste of time and money. For such attendees, the removal of alcohol makes survival challenging, while also limiting the chances of seducing that Italian sales rep who might, after a few, have given the amorous advances of an overweight, chronologically-enhanced nerd some serious consideration.
In our own social lives, we can choose with whom we spend time. However, at conferences, the only familiar faces are colleagues. Those who send us to conferences seem to have a sense of humour, because they always send colleagues who clearly don’t get on with each other: perhaps the accounts girl with whom there have been three years of silence since an awkward moment at the 2006 Christmas party involving a photocopier; or the salesman from the third floor who’s convinced of his own talents and has made it his mission to convince others likewise; worst of all, an engineer whose conversation is limited to computers and whose own insecurities cause him to cling to the only familiar person for the duration.
Apart from obvious skiving tactics, such as sudden acute illnesses and misplacement of one’s passport, there is another way of surviving. Book a holiday immediately after the conference, possibly nearby, and then work hard, drink nothing and sleep well throughout the event. That way, you’ll have something to show for your time. And more to the point, you will be in a suitable condition to enjoy your holiday. Often days off are spent in a state of paranoid shock so by the time we’ve recovered, it’s Monday morning at work again. However, by preparing properly it is possible to enjoy a week in Bavaria without the BlackBerry withdrawal symptoms.
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