At some point, the accounts department will send you a threatening email to the effect that you are no longer allowed to use taxis when renting a car is cheaper. In my case, a car was booked before I had a chance to protest, despite having prepared excuses such as speed addiction, alcoholism and pregnancy.
Alas, I was out-manoeuvred by the penny-pinchers who had kindly reserved a white Fiat Cinquecento with one mule-power, no aircon, and the unmistakable odour of prior student habitation. The first rule of hiring a car is to ensure you choose it and that you choose wisely. Avoid very small cars because they are slow and colleagues will laugh. Avoid big cars because in the unfamiliar multi-storey you will hit something expensive to repair, such as a tourist. Avoid the same car you drive at home, or the familiarity will cause you to drive on the left, which only works in Japan.
Be suspicious of free upgrades: your Mercedes C-Class may turn into a long-wheel-base Transit van. Remember that your temporary steed may lack reversing sensors before a crunching noise confirms it. Bring your own satnav. While complicated enough in English, they’re much harder in Russian, even if Natalya does sound sexier than plain Jane when barking commands. Learn where the wipers and lights are before hurtling blindly into oncoming traffic.
Also be wary of driving techniques employed abroad. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office describes Dutch driving as “assertive” and without “road courtesy” — this is a politically correct euphemism. Trying to escape Utrecht on a Friday night makes Monday morning on the M62 look like a charity fundraising event. Be sensitive to the GDP of the country. You maybe tempted to splash out on something fun and flash, but it can be very awkward if the locals are still riding goats.
Do not drink, do not speed, do not use your mobile, and always keep your lights on while driving. You will be caught, either by criminally well-hidden speed cameras, or by men with machine guns who consider the British sense of humour capitally offensive. In the UK we get a slap on the wrist, maybe a ban and the resultant redundancy, or perhaps a spell in prison. In some countries they take it rather more seriously, so take your chequebook.
However, the good news is that in countries where taxis are expensive, hire cars are normally very good. Modern, reliable, comfortable and clean, there is little to moan about in Europe. Conversely, if anyone knows the logic behind the system employed in Munich for returning the car, which seems to involve stopping in the middle of the road, leaving the keys in the ignition on faith and wandering off, do please feel free to enlighten us.
Our correspondent travels the world in search of business, good breakfast and soft beds
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